Sunday, August 29, 2010

Fly Away, Boomer

Well, Friday was the day that the Patches-Ray household became a one cat-one person household. Boomer has gone on to his forever home. Part of me is very sad to see him go, but I'm also delighted that he's going to someone who will love him just as much as I did.

I decided to make a picture and video montage in remembrance of the good times we have had over the past 4.5 months, which required a disturbing revisiting of all the videos I've made for this blog. What you don't know is that there are actually a fairly large number of unaired episodes or unaired footage that was deemed by me to be too humiliating to air. FOR INSTANCE. The 6.5 minute video of Boomer laying on my lap, me tickling his belly and whispering "belly tickles belly tickles belly tickles!"Siiiiiiiiigh.

Patches and I will resume our regular postings of adventures, just so long as my computer does not explode. Which, unfortunately, I can't guarantee. The Balkans have not been kind to Mac Book who now makes sounds as if it is trying to take flight. Only 76 more days Mac Book.... then you shall rest forever.

Also fun fact: did you know that male kittens become fertile somewhere between 4-6 months and that they can impregnate their mother? Yeah. Stew on that for a while.


Tuesday, July 27, 2010

We're Back

Sorry about the absence. I was gone for most of early July doing a project and have spent the past week sleeping and watching new TV. And by "new tv" I mean to imply tv that is new to me from someone else's hard drive. Some of what I've been watching:

-Dexter: started off thinking this show was weird, but now I'm pretty into it.

-The Wire: Everyone tells me this is the best show on tv ever, but I have to say I wasn't as blown away as I thought I'd be. It's very literary, I'll give it that, but it seems like a show conceptualized around theme rather than plot and then the plot was added as sort of an after thought. From an anthropological/sociological angle, it's fascinating but I wish more happened for the amount of philosophical musings in the background.

-Eastbound and Down: THIS is the best show on TV ever. Ever. In the history of ever.

-The Boondocks: The perfect mixture of hilarious and thought provoking. I like the animation style too. I'd never watched this show, but my friend Jordan suggested I give it a shot and now I'm hooked. Praise White Jesus!

Now that my big project is over, my time is mostly spent putting the pieces together for my return. I've written a few resumes and plan on sending them out in early September. I look for jobs, look for apartments, look for things to spend my readjustment allowance on. It's 1/2 nerve wracking, 1/2 exciting. Gordana helped me figure out all the paperwork I need for Patches to come back with me. Patches is busy studying for the citizenship test.

Mr. Boomer is going to be here with me and Patches for another month or so before sailing off to a new life with his new daddy. I'm happy he's found a wonderful home, but I will miss him very much.



Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Summer Boredom

For the first 6 weeks of Boomer's life I lived in constant fear that he was going to drop dead. But he is survivor cat! Now that he's old and still not dead ,I like to play games with Boomer. Some of my favorites are:

-Boomer Bowling (only when I have 6 empty Dobra Voda bottles though)
-Sheet Spelunking. He likes this one. When Boomer is napping on my bed, I stealthily wrap him up in the blankets so he is in a blanket cave. I then watch him try to figure out how to escape.
-Cat Massage. This is only a vague reference to this eerie prediction of my future, but on Mose Pijade Ulica it refers to when Patches is sleeping and I use Boomer as belly rub tool. (Side note: how often do I find myself singing "Who's the best cat in Vi ni ca? It's YOU, Boomer baby! It's YOU!" as per Champ from that video. Sigh. -2 dateability.)
-Prison Break. This is when I create box structures for Boomer to escape from.

In today's episode, I give you a harrowing glimpse into what my life has become in the summer months.

Edit: I don't need your judgment about my sweatpants (HANNA BERGER). You are looking at 25% of my pants wardrobe.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Story of my life, Boomer



Weeeeeelp it's been a long vast week of nothingness here in the Wild East, so today I am making an impromptu visit to Elizabeth's porch. I made sure to take a piece of that plastic binding stuff that comes around packages and stick it out of a box.... Boomer's been occupied by that for about 5 hours and will probably be until I get home.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

I Have Marketable-ish Skills I Think

So for 24/24 years of my life I've expected I will make money without any effort. Effort is hard for me. This is part of the reason why I started reaching out to the unicorn community with my art because I hoped that they would support me by leaving chests of treasure beneath my doorstep.

As my service comes to an end though, I have to ponder the harsh reality that apparently surviving in this cruel world requires "work" and "endurance" and "ambition." UGHHHH. Why did God bless me with so very many unmarketable skills? I've been thinking about centering my resume around my talent of having small fingers and narrow wrists that enable me to retrieve objects that have been dropped in tight places. There's a lot of fat people in America = a lot of fat fingers = a lot of people who can't retrieve their belongings that have been dropped in tight spaces.

I've been working to "tenderize" Booomer lately. He likes chewing fingers too much and needs to start liking snuggling. He's coming along very well. He doesn't chew my fingers much anymore and he likes to crawl onto my chest and sleep there while breathing his meat paste breath into my face.

So anyway, if anyone wants to hire me, let me know.


Thursday, June 10, 2010

Boomer Has A New Job



So anyway, Boomer is at PRIME lol-cat age. He's fluffy, sleepy, adorable. I've been putting together a series of Non-LOL cats that reflect the hard realities of life working for this undisclosed organization. They are called Non-LOL cats because, even though they make me laugh, apparently most other volunteers view them and go "ooooh.... that's too true." Glad he's a naturally depressed looking kitten!!





Thursday, June 3, 2010

I stroke this kitten with my salad fingers

Well it is summertime, which means yet another year of tense peace treaties between the spider families and myself. Last year at this time we reached an agreement on the bathroom territories, but summer 2010 has started with an aggressive campaign by the spider families to retake their control of the bedroom territories. They seem particularly interested in a coveted piece of land-- the "My Bed" state-- but I've sent the finest diplomat in my cabinet (Mr. Broom) to eliminate their illegally built homes until a treaty can be negotiated.

Week 6-8 are a very important time in a baby cat's life. While he is no longer dependent on his negligent mother for food, Baby Cat spends his 6th-8th week learning social skills from his socially awkward mother (who, in turn, has learned many of her social skills from me). That means the following things:
1) Boomer has weird baby cat B.O. He's a very pungent baby cat.
2) Patches tries to teach him how to wrestle but she seems uncaring of the fact that he is 1/8 her size. Could this be a result of how I sometimes used to tackle Patches when she was sleeping?
3) When they wrestle, Boomer sounds like a goose being squeezed.
4) Patches has taught Boomer that if you stand on the armchair behind me and squeal I will eventually get so annoyed that I will pick you up and give you your daily cuddles.
5) Boomer chases my toes and the only reason I don't mind this is because he's a ball of fluff and is really cute when he runs because his butt bounces really high.

In other news, I ate 1/2 kilo of cherries yesterday.

Also, this: someone recently brought the weird and creepy video series Salad Fingers to my attention and I watched all 9 episodes and caught myself musing over how similar my living situation is to Salad Fingers'. Constant isolation, projecting friendship onto inanimate/cat objects, the only living beings around you make absolutely no sense. I find it very disturbing that my reaction to this horror series was "yeah that dude is legit. I get it."


Friday, May 21, 2010

Wild Friday Nights

While many people my age are getting wasted, dancing at the disco, finding an unexpected love, socializing---- I am feeding a tiny cat meat paste off my finger.

Someone today back in the USA asked me "what [I] do out there for fun." Evenings like this are EXACTLY WHY I NEVER ANSWER THAT QUESTION HONESTLY. Seriously. Here's how I expect my life back in America to go:

Hottie: Oh wow, Peace Corps! That's amazing! So like, what did you do?
Me: Oh... you know... I did some things. With you know, like, organizations I guess. Or whatever.
Hottie: That sounds really fulfilling and rewarding.
Me: Ok Cool.
Hottie: So like, when you weren't digging wells and lifting up children from the squalors of poverty, like, what did you do?
Me: *pregnant pause* Ahhhhh.... well. You know. I really liked.... sunsets. Or I hung out with my friends.
Hottie: Oh cool! What were your friends' names??
Me: Patches. And Boomer. I mean, like, they were cats. Or whatever.
Hottie: You hung out with your cats?
Me: Well, not because I wanted to. But those losers kept coming over because they couldn't make friends of their own and they would make me watch movies and stuff. God, and there was this one time I was out getting a coffee but then I had to-- oh God. Wow! Is that Beyonce on television? She is so fierce, right??
Hottie: Wait, what were you saying? One time you were out getting a coffee.....? And then you had to leave to go build a school?
Me: Oh! Well... no. I mean, kind of. It was more like I had to feed a baby cat meat paste off my finger. It's not as lame as it sounds, really. You see, he was just having difficulty weaning and Patches's nipples were getting overworked, so I had to lay down on the floor with my fingers slathered in highly processed chicken paste so he would learn to lick it off. So yeah, I mean it was a school. Of sorts.
Hottie: I have to go. Forever.

All for the glory of America.


?

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Mistakes

I cut my hair the other day and I'm really upset about it. Good thing there is no one here I'm trying to impress.

These cats are driving me insane. Lots of mewing, lots of exploring, lots more mewing, etc. The baby is currently sleeping in my jacket against my stomach which keeps him quiet.

So once the baby gets to be a full blown playful kitten, I want to use him to make motivational posters for other volunteers..... any suggestions as to motivational phrases?


Friday, May 14, 2010

Making Biscuits With Boomer

"Making Biscuits" is what online says it's called when cats knead their claws into something. When cats are babies, they do this to get the milk a-flowin. But I have never figured out WHY it's called "making biscuits." Why biscuits? Why not any other bread product? Having made biscuits, I don't remember any step of the process that resembles squeezing milk out of a cat teat. Mysteries.

I for real miss this baby when he finds a forever home.




Sunday, May 9, 2010

Boomer Corral

Once again, we just wanted an excuse to watch the baby bumble around. I'm already getting major separation anxiety for when he has to leave us :(

If anyone has any insight about his eye let me know. It crusts over while he sleeps... I know goop and crust is normal for kittens, but I don't know if I should be wiping it away or not.

Back to the grind.


Thursday, May 6, 2010

Sara Remembers What Real Life is Like

Over the past several days, I have been holed up at a 5 star resort on the Dalmatian coast. WWWIIIINNNN. Anyway, it has really helped me remember what life was like before my life was dictated by the whims of a sassy tri-colored feline and her hamster-look-alike offspring.

It's been really nice to not wake up and immediately wonder what manner of dead kitten awaits me and to be able to eat without being stared at from the floor. Instead, my days have mostly been concerned with finding delicious ice cream, eating delicious ice cream and then having conversations about the delicious ice cream i just ate. Though I do have a disturbing habit of greeting every cat I see and inquiring about how it is enjoying the shade/sunbeam it currently sleeps in.

But not to forget about the real stars of this blog. Patches and baby Patches are-- to my knowledge-- doing fine. I emailed Uncle Matt asking if my cats were okay and he replied "...what cats." But he's a JOKESTER and has been diligently wiping away baby's conjunctivitis and squirting him in the eye with anti biotics when necessary.

Last night, I had a horrible dream that Patches had another litter (the logic in my dream was that Patches was "with man" once and then several weeks later was "with man" again, each resulting in separate conceptions and thus delaying the second batch's birth. Also there were two small puppies.) Anyway, me and Patches wandered the country side with a basketful of babies lamenting about what the heck we were going to do with 7 kittens (and two puppies). God that would be horrible.

....Okay back to sunbathing.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Lesson Learned

Do you know what cats don't enjoy? Taxi rides.

Yesterday I packed up the Patches family to come to Uncle Matt's and, needless to say, Patches had limited excitement about being crammed into her carrier. But when the taxi started driving was when the real fun began! Patches basically hyperventilated the entire way there... breathing really fast with her eyes wide and her mouth open. She looked like a snake and I was afraid she had gone feral. She climbed out of her carrier and made me hold her the whole car ride. DITCH YOUR BABY, PATCHES. NICE.

Anyway, we survived.

I have my pastel shorts and moccassins packed, my denars changed into euros and a belly rumbling for Pizza Hut! Can't wait! I actually am really hungry, too.... I was so mad at the lady at Sandwich Snoopys yesterday because I told her not to put condiments on my sandwich but she DID and then they leaked everywhere all over my new sweater and it was so stressful I had to throw away half of it. But you didn't see me hyperventilating like a WUSS!

Okay... I should probably do something that borders on productive. I will be sure to post from Croatia, mostly to give you a rare glimpse into the moments in my life where the most exciting thing is not my cat's typical feline behavior.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

The Baby Crawleth!

As I was recording this, I was wayyyy too caught up in Boomer waddling around and didn't really manage to make many coherent statements. Sorry about that, but seriously the kitten is way cute.

It's almost vacation time! Vlado is picking me and the Patches family up tomorrow at 3 and driving us to Uncle Matt's house. The kitties will have a vacation resort box there while I go and eat Pizza Hut on the seaside for a bit.

On an unrelated note, I am so happy it is ice cream cone season again. Monday at the bus station, I had a small strawberry cone and then went back for a double scoop raspberry-vanilla. Because you know what? There is no one here I am trying to impress. I will eat ice cream scoops by the billion. But mostly I just enjoy seeing the packs of Balkan boys roaming the street... they try to look hard and manly with their gelled hair, no-nonsense bedazzled pullover and glitter-dragon jeans but it all somehow crumbles around them as they saunter around adjusting their junk and licking a chocolate ice cream cone. And usually they are too distracted by their ice cream to sexually harass me so that's always a plus.

.... here's that video. Watch him tumble!!

OH also last night I had a dream that I was shark fishing with Jason Stackhouse from True Blood (i WISH) and anyway we fish hooked a giganto shark and I was very afraid it was going to come to life on the boat deck and eat us. It didn't.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

KittenKorner Two: Boomer Waddles!

Well Mr. Boomer's eyes are open and his ears are perked up! He and Patches are doing well... Patches spends more time away from the nest, but Boomer seems to be eating well and he isn't fussy. He has been getting more efficient at pushing himself around his box and by next week he should be taking his first wobbly steps!

Yesterday I was away for the day and I think Patches really enjoyed not having me around to constantly want to poke at the baby. But he's just so pokeable!

Other than cat news, life has been... happening. I will be in Croatia next week (THANK. GOD.) eating some Pizza Hut and enjoying life on the Dalmatian Coast. I'm stressed about finding a place for P-mama (It's kind of like "P-Diddy" which derives from the Anglo-Saxon "Puff Daddy" but only it's about Patches who is a mama. Complicated linguistics... I dont expect you to follow).


Friday, April 23, 2010

Concerns

I received an email this morning from a friend entitled "I am worried about you." Apparently making a blog about me and my cat is reason to be concerned about my mental health. WHAT KIND OF WORLD IS THIS???

Anyway, don't be worried about me. It's been a hell of a week but I have been coping in a variety of ways that I will detail here:

1. Today I was waiting outside the primary school on a bench and this kid in a sweatsuit stood about 4 feet in front of me and just STARED. "Zdravo" I said. No response. "Kako ci?" No response. Pause. Wait 5 minutes. Still staring. Finally, I spread my hands and said "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT??" It didn't do anything... he still just stared at me. Damn my unmistakably non-Balkan features and skin tone!

2. Heidi and I are starting a band. It will be 1 part metal (I've half written our single "Spiders in my Bathroom") and 1 part rewritings of popular songs ("Wake up in tha mornin' feelin like DRINKING LYSOL.")

3. Trying to decide how to rearrange my furniture to cover up the gigantic hole I burned in the carpet while trying to get my hookah from Istanbul to work.

4. Scrubbing mold off my bathroom walls. This is strangely liberating.

5. And of course the age old favorite, hacking ice chunks out of my freezer. Landlords actually came up yesterday to make sure I wasn't killing a person.

So all that said-- DONT WORRY! I'm as fine as one can be in almost constant isolation in a culture that in no way embraces me. But if by "I am worried about you" you mean "I am worried ENOUGH about you to send you tootsies, scooby snacks and other delights"..... we'll talk.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

The Kitten Korner!

Today's lesson is on how to make Patches really angry. The answer is: pick up her baby. HAAAAA!! I am careful not to touch Boomer too much and I haven't touched him really at all over the past week. But beginning yesterday, I have been rubbing his belly while Patches is nearby and sometimes I pick him up. They both don't really like that. But I do. And I buy the kibbles. So..... case closed.

Boomer is doing just fine.... he's big and fat and noisy. Patches feels okay spending more time away from the nest but only leaves while he is napping.

Other than that, the Ray-Patches household has been pretty quiet lately. I'm getting major "get me the F out of this small city" fever. Also, I'm really worried about what to do about this stupid kitten while I'm away in May.

I spent 45 minutes trying to open a jar of ajvar today. Failed. Still hungry.

My computer makes weird noises. Someone tell me that is normal. Because if this thing breaks..... I don't want us to have to think about that.

Here's Boomer!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

And Little Starbuck Goes to the Great Battlestar in the Sky....

Yes, my precious Little Starbuck died last night. Sigh. I have been worried about him for a few days because he wasn't eating nearly as much as Boomer. Boomer was about twice as big as Starbuck, and Starbuck didn't make much noise. Anyway, this morning I came in to check on them and Starbuck was in the box, dead. I took him out and put him on a paper towel on the table. His white fur was yellow from being licked, so Patches hadn't rejected him. I think he just never really got into the groove of living. Starbuck was the one I scooped off the floor when Patches had him and I rubbed him with a towel. He got off to a rough start.

I had put the other two dead kittens in the trash, but I felt even worse doing that to Starbuck. So I asked my landlord if I could bury him in the backyard and they said yes.

Boomer may end up joining the Ray-Patches household, who knows. If my mom comes to visit in August, maybe she could take him home.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Patches Loves a Good Song!

It's a rainy day here in the Balkans. Today I had to spend six seconds with my landlords 4 year-old.... holy God. Give me a hundred squealing, poop-filled kittens any day of my life. That kid is a nightmare and makes me want to rip out my ovaries and throw them over a bridge as a preventative measure.

Starbuck and Boomer are doing well... Boomer is a total fat-fat though and squeals all the time. I wish Starbuck ate more, but I think he's okay. Just not a fat-fat.

I'm worried about what I will do with them while I am in Croatia in early May. :-/ If anyone wants to come "have a project" here for a week, let me know. My landlords were thankfully not upset by the kittens... I was 60% sure they would shrug and say "eh, well, we have a river right down the street."

Goals for this week: Read "The Snoring Bird" by Bernd Heinrich... make a batch of English muffins... educate the chilluns... don't kill anyone.

All right... here's a lil song I wrote today for Patches the Cat:

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Pour a Beer Out for Apollo.

UPDATE AT THE END
I can't really even attempt to be funny about this... I'm pretty upset I guess. I slept in the living room last night with the family in case Patches needed help or anything and around 2 or 3 I heard the kittens squealing so I got up and found Patches sitting by the heater. She looked pretty.... out of it, I guess? "Listless" is what they say online.

But what was weird was that I noticed she would tense up and have a contraction. She'd had the babies 20 hours earlier, so I thought that was odd. Anyway, I put her back with the babies and checked on her again this morning. She was still having the contractions and when I picked her up I figured out why: there were baby feet dangling out.

She had a dead kitten stuck in her birth canal and couldn't pass it. His little legs were hanging out, but I didn't to try and 'help' for fear of hurting her more. She was in pain and this had been going on for long enough that Gordana gave me the number of a vet in Skopje who called the mystery vet in Vinica.

Long, awful story short, I had to hold Patches down while the vet pulled the little guy out. Patches was stressed to the max and so it wasn't easy, and both of the legs came off. Vet had to go digging to eventually pull out the entire baby kitten (he was black and white) along with the afterbirth.

So anyway. I'm really, really grateful for Gordana's help along with the two vets... God knows I couldn't have done that alone. I appreciate all of you LURKERS out there who have been my kitty 911s and helped me. Patches is doing good now... I was worried yesterday because she wasn't eating or drinking much. She darted the EFF away under the couch after the vet was done with her, but I just put her food and water under there with her and she's put away 100g of wet food, an egg yolk and is working on a plate of dry food. And she's meowing to the babies.

Hopefully this is the last trauma in the Ray-Patches household for a while... but thanks to everyone who has wished us well or helped us when we needed it.

UPDATE Patches is doing really well now, as are Starbuck and Boomer. She spent about 1/2 an hour under the couch cleaning herself, and she ate quite a bit when I put her food down there. She started meowing back to the kittens, which she hadn't been doing before.

I left her alone, but soon enough she finished eating and hopped back into the box where she's been since I updated last. She moved the kittens last night to the box my fan came in (it's tall and skinny and in the corner-- she feels safer there), and the box is just big enough for her to lay down on her side with the babies snuggled up against her belly. She's a milk producing machine, and both babies have been eating happily and sleeping.

As my mom said this morning: "Nature is very strong." Yes it is-- whew! I know this was a downer post, but once Starbuck and Boomer get to growing, look forward to lots of videos!

Friday, April 16, 2010

The Ray-Patches family would like to present.....

STARBUCK AND BOOMER!!!!!

Well, MY Starbuck and Boomer are tiny kittens. Patches was textbook I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant and spent her morning freaking out, prancing around, spraying blood out her backside and plopping out the occasional squirming creature. The best wake up call there is!!!!

But it was not all fun and games. Starbuck and Boomer's brother, Helo, wasn't ready for this big bad world and died on my floor.... that was pretty tough for me and I still feel sad about it.

Anyway, here's a video detailing the early morning excitement in the Mose Pijade alley-- look forward to lots of family pics this weekend!!

Here are some pictures for now:






Thursday, April 15, 2010

Fail.

You all SUCKED at that game. Maybe you will be better at this one.

No kittens yet. So we're going to start a betting pool: what day do you think the kittens will be be born? Winner gets one plate of hand made cookies and 62 denars in coins!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Losing Patience

The Lord once said patience is a virtue. I agree with the Lord. That said, I am getting angry at Patches for not having these effing kittens. Perhaps she knows of my plans to make them into STARS!!!

On a related note, my grandmother recently told me panthers live in the United States. Who knew!!! Now you know... don't assume you're safe from panthers. They could be anywhere. Right behind you.

Okay let's play an interactive game because I know so many of you PCVs are out there lurking. This is a game I play with myself called: Irrational Fears. Leave your answer in the comment section:

Scenario
: You are in an airplane traveling at approximately 25K feet over the northern Atlantic Ocean. The plane hits turbulence and breaks apart! You survive the breakup of the plane and are now free-falling 25K feet to the ocean.

QUESTION ONE: What do you do?
Follow up Scenario: Good job, you survived the plummet. NOW. What do you do if you fall 25K feet from an airplane into the ocean and DIRECTLY INTO THE MOUTH of a sperm whale? What is your strategy?

Personally, I'm confident in my chances in these scenarios. I have extensive notes. What would YOU do? GO.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Questions and Answers with Patches

A lot of people have been writing in and asking about how Patches is holding up. Every day is a struggle, that is for sure, but she is displaying the strength of a lioness during these trying times.

Today on PatchesWatch, I ask Patches the questions everyone is dying to know. This is part one of this highly anticipated series, so stay tuned for the next episode when Patches will talk about her favorite Kibbles flavor, her plans to sabotage Dushko's relationship with another alleycat woman, and her beauty tips for keeping your calico coat shimmering in those hot summer months.

Also, I know this episode ends with me abruptly saying "Oh my GOD!" and the reason for that is not because I found a bug or snake in my house, it was because Patches had shed about 1/4 of her body weight onto my black sweat pants in the time our interview took.


Saturday, April 10, 2010

And Now For Something Completely Different (But Equally Pathetic)

I am blogging about this only because I want it to be documented somewhere so future generations can behold how absolutely little it took in this period of my life to delight me.

Every morning (and most afternoons), I make a pot of tea. Not a teapot of tea, but an actual pot of tea because I don't have a teapot. My method has evolved over the past year and a half, but several months ago I realized I preferred to mix my sugar into the pot of tea as a whole rather than each individual cup. I KNOW!!!!!111!!!1 KRaaAAAzzzzZZZyyyYY timeeezzzz!!!

The problem with this approach is multi-fold. But the biggest fold is that sugar here comes in plastic bags the width of absolutely nothing. For my birthday, my dad sent me several ziplock bags (....example #1 of how very little it takes to delight me), so I have-- since July-- been putting the sugar from the thin plastic bags into the thicker and sturdier ziplock bags.

But, inevitably, disaster strikes and I burn a hole into the ziplock back and my sugar explodes all over the kitchen. Which delights no one but the ants.

TODAY THOUGH, change was in the air!!!!

After burning a hole in my bag, I had had enough. But what else can I put my sugar in!? Then it hit me. A JAR! You might be thinking "duh" and, to you, I say: "shut up." To me this was a glorious revelation. I dumped my sugar into a little glass jar and twisted the cap on.

I'm so sad to announce that words cannot describe how giddy I was ten minutes ago making my tea and spooning sugar out of a JAR and not a BAG. I can't wait until tomorrow morning to do it again!!!!

Alright, it's time to go watch the spider families in the bathroom build their webs.

PatchesWatch: Kibbles and Cuddles

I'm beginning to think Patches is intentionally not having her babies just to make me mad. I want the kittens! Not to mention, Patches, you're putting a cramp in my Croatia plans. Pop 'em out already, God.

As I await kittens today, I will be making gnocchi from scratch and leveling my night elf druid in the Howling Fjord.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

A Nest for Patches

PatchesWatch 2010 is officially in its final days.

The kittens are a-kickin', Patches is a-gobbling up all my effing food, Sara is a-nnoyed at the incessant meowing. I put together a little nest for Patches and have been showing her where it is in hopes that she will shoot out her babies THERE and not in bed with me while I'm sleeping (she'd do it, too!!!!)

There have been some concerns about the involvement of Patches's baby-daddy. I'm sorry to say that the cat-- whose name is, hilariously, Dushko and lives next door to Patches's babysitter-- doesn't seem interested in providing emotional or financial support. Also he's kind of fugly. I've made it clear to Patches that, while I can't support her decision to be so flippantly promiscuous, I'll always love her and will always be there for her and the kitten babies.


They're Kicking!!!

So this is my first experience with pregnancy since myself being a fetus. It's kind of cool!! Last night my mom asked me if I could feel the kittens moving so when me and Patches went to bed I kept a hand on her belly to see if I could feel anything. And I did!!! I felt little kitten feet kicking! She's not too big, and I'm estimating Patches has a kitten capacity of 3-4. I've felt kicking in 3 different spots, but she could be packing more in there.

It's neat though! Anyway, she is napping by the heater and I just sat by her for a while and felt the little babies kick. Her pregnancy nest is set up in my closet and we'll go for a tour later today when I get back from teaching the yoot.

I think she'll be poppin' these buggers out this week. I asked her babysitter yesterday what week Patches had "been with man" (NO IDEA how to actually ask that in this language, so we did what we could) and she said the 2nd week of February.

Again: WHO WANTS A KITTEN?!!? These kittens will be predisposed to bouts of snuggling.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

It's a Dark Day

I've been out of town for a few days so Patches has been staying with her babysitter. When I went to pick her up yesterday, I was given some disturbing news.

She got babies stewin in her belly.

We are putting together a small series called "Six Months and Pregnant."

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Patches Is Jealous of My Human Friends

Patches has been quite a rascal lately. I believe part of it is due to hormonal changes from having to eat Kit-E-Kat wet food instead of Whiskas kibbles, but after coming home from a weekend in the city and facing a cold wall of calico fur, I've come to accept that Patches is jealous of my human companions.

Who can blame her? My human friends don't spray the sand they poop in all over my bedsheets. My human friends don't (...usually) lick my face when I'm sleeping. My human friends rarely rip down my curtains just so they can leap onto my table and spill glasses of water. Patches is uncomfortable at realizing how stiff her competition is.

Patches is also disgruntled because she is shedding. A TON. As you have probably noticed, Patches has a luxurious coat of tri-colored fur which now covers about 60% of my apartment. I've tried to brush her every day but Patches hates being brushed. My landlords are going to be peeeeee--uhsed when they see all the cat fur.

BONUS FASHION TIP FROM THIS EPISODE: How can you fix your hair into Sara's sweet 'do in this episode? The steps are easy! Simply sleep, don't brush your hair and then clean your bathroom with paper towels wearing a traditional woven mask so you don't inhale Lysol fumes and die. Voila!


Thursday, March 25, 2010

Patches Gets Her Revenge

As a scholar once said-- Karma is a bitch. Fact.

Patches has had some difficulty sleeping lately and by "Patches has had some difficulty sleeping lately" what I mean to imply is "Patches has had some difficulty letting me sleep lately." Some of Patches' newfound nighttime activities include:

1. Battery Tennis
2. The I-Am-Inside-A-Plastic-Bag Marathon in laps around my dresser.
3. Practicing the lead vocals for the band she wants to create with other Mose Pijade cats. (...."Patches and the Trash Can Diggers.....?" Yes....?)
4. Hitting my face.

My $200,000 anthropology degree taught me that my second reaction after turning on the light and throwing my phone at Patches should be to ask the question "why? why does Patches behave this way?" Last night, I found the answer.

(also, an aside. Several people have said, "Sara! Your fashion choices in this episode are stunning! What ARE you wearing?" The answer, my friends, is a swoop neck JC Penny sweatshirt, wool socks and periwinkle long underwear. Put it in your Look Books!)


Monday, March 22, 2010

Addressing the Vicious Rumors

I know you've all heard them. SOME of you have probably even spread these nasty lies.

Patches and I are still together and we are addressing this awful smear campaign.


Saturday, March 20, 2010

Training Patches to Reach for the Stars


So I came home and changed into my pajamas and, obviously, left my blue jeans crumpled on the floor. Right now Patches is laying with her face DIRECTLY in the inside of the crotch. That's my little Olympian for you!! Aw she just fell asleep as soon as I took that picture. Riiiiiiight in the crotch of my pants.

Anyway, I've recently been inspired by the Westminster dog show and have decided to train Patches to achieve similar greatness. I believe she would already take home the gold in "unjustifiably smelly poops" "kibble consumption" and "relay curtain ripping" but i want MORE for her!!!! We'll be posting our results as she improves.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Monday, March 15, 2010

Patches Finds New Ways to Annoy Me Daily

Cardboard. Not what I think of when I'm contemplating what to eat. Not so with Patches who has developed a taste for cardboard. And just my luck...... my whole living room is filled with cardboard.

Welcome Back Sara

Patches and I were separated for about a month but were recently reunited. It was a pretty intense and glorious reunion... she cat-galloped across the room going "mraww! mrawww!" and jumped into my waiting arms and we went home and fed each other hard boiled eggs.

Not really, basically she just clawed at my neck while I was carrying her home in my jacket. But the friend who took care of Patches in my absence alerted me to a disturbing fact: Patches had a) been in heat (they don't spay/neuter in my town) and b) they had been letting her outside.

RED ALERT. RED ALERT. Anyway, this is a song I wrote for Patches about my feelings about her potential motherhood.