The Baby Crawleth!

As I was recording this, I was wayyyy too caught up in Boomer waddling around and didn't really manage to make many coherent statements. Sorry about that, but seriously the kitten is way cute.

It's almost vacation time! Vlado is picking me and the Patches family up tomorrow at 3 and driving us to Uncle Matt's house. The kitties will have a vacation resort box there while I go and eat Pizza Hut on the seaside for a bit.

On an unrelated note, I am so happy it is ice cream cone season again. Monday at the bus station, I had a small strawberry cone and then went back for a double scoop raspberry-vanilla. Because you know what? There is no one here I am trying to impress. I will eat ice cream scoops by the billion. But mostly I just enjoy seeing the packs of Balkan boys roaming the street... they try to look hard and manly with their gelled hair, no-nonsense bedazzled pullover and glitter-dragon jeans but it all somehow crumbles around them as they saunter around adjusting their junk and licking a chocolate ice cream cone. And usually they are too distracted by their ice cream to sexually harass me so that's always a plus.

.... here's that video. Watch him tumble!!

OH also last night I had a dream that I was shark fishing with Jason Stackhouse from True Blood (i WISH) and anyway we fish hooked a giganto shark and I was very afraid it was going to come to life on the boat deck and eat us. It didn't.

KittenKorner Two: Boomer Waddles!

Well Mr. Boomer's eyes are open and his ears are perked up! He and Patches are doing well... Patches spends more time away from the nest, but Boomer seems to be eating well and he isn't fussy. He has been getting more efficient at pushing himself around his box and by next week he should be taking his first wobbly steps!

Yesterday I was away for the day and I think Patches really enjoyed not having me around to constantly want to poke at the baby. But he's just so pokeable!

Other than cat news, life has been... happening. I will be in Croatia next week (THANK. GOD.) eating some Pizza Hut and enjoying life on the Dalmatian Coast. I'm stressed about finding a place for P-mama (It's kind of like "P-Diddy" which derives from the Anglo-Saxon "Puff Daddy" but only it's about Patches who is a mama. Complicated linguistics... I dont expect you to follow).

Concerns

I received an email this morning from a friend entitled "I am worried about you." Apparently making a blog about me and my cat is reason to be concerned about my mental health. WHAT KIND OF WORLD IS THIS???

Anyway, don't be worried about me. It's been a hell of a week but I have been coping in a variety of ways that I will detail here:

1. Today I was waiting outside the primary school on a bench and this kid in a sweatsuit stood about 4 feet in front of me and just STARED. "Zdravo" I said. No response. "Kako ci?" No response. Pause. Wait 5 minutes. Still staring. Finally, I spread my hands and said "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT??" It didn't do anything... he still just stared at me. Damn my unmistakably non-Balkan features and skin tone!

2. Heidi and I are starting a band. It will be 1 part metal (I've half written our single "Spiders in my Bathroom") and 1 part rewritings of popular songs ("Wake up in tha mornin' feelin like DRINKING LYSOL.")

3. Trying to decide how to rearrange my furniture to cover up the gigantic hole I burned in the carpet while trying to get my hookah from Istanbul to work.

4. Scrubbing mold off my bathroom walls. This is strangely liberating.

5. And of course the age old favorite, hacking ice chunks out of my freezer. Landlords actually came up yesterday to make sure I wasn't killing a person.

So all that said-- DONT WORRY! I'm as fine as one can be in almost constant isolation in a culture that in no way embraces me. But if by "I am worried about you" you mean "I am worried ENOUGH about you to send you tootsies, scooby snacks and other delights"..... we'll talk.

The Kitten Korner!

Today's lesson is on how to make Patches really angry. The answer is: pick up her baby. HAAAAA!! I am careful not to touch Boomer too much and I haven't touched him really at all over the past week. But beginning yesterday, I have been rubbing his belly while Patches is nearby and sometimes I pick him up. They both don't really like that. But I do. And I buy the kibbles. So..... case closed.

Boomer is doing just fine.... he's big and fat and noisy. Patches feels okay spending more time away from the nest but only leaves while he is napping.

Other than that, the Ray-Patches household has been pretty quiet lately. I'm getting major "get me the F out of this small city" fever. Also, I'm really worried about what to do about this stupid kitten while I'm away in May.

I spent 45 minutes trying to open a jar of ajvar today. Failed. Still hungry.

My computer makes weird noises. Someone tell me that is normal. Because if this thing breaks..... I don't want us to have to think about that.

Here's Boomer!

And Little Starbuck Goes to the Great Battlestar in the Sky....

Yes, my precious Little Starbuck died last night. Sigh. I have been worried about him for a few days because he wasn't eating nearly as much as Boomer. Boomer was about twice as big as Starbuck, and Starbuck didn't make much noise. Anyway, this morning I came in to check on them and Starbuck was in the box, dead. I took him out and put him on a paper towel on the table. His white fur was yellow from being licked, so Patches hadn't rejected him. I think he just never really got into the groove of living. Starbuck was the one I scooped off the floor when Patches had him and I rubbed him with a towel. He got off to a rough start.

I had put the other two dead kittens in the trash, but I felt even worse doing that to Starbuck. So I asked my landlord if I could bury him in the backyard and they said yes.

Boomer may end up joining the Ray-Patches household, who knows. If my mom comes to visit in August, maybe she could take him home.

Patches Loves a Good Song!

It's a rainy day here in the Balkans. Today I had to spend six seconds with my landlords 4 year-old.... holy God. Give me a hundred squealing, poop-filled kittens any day of my life. That kid is a nightmare and makes me want to rip out my ovaries and throw them over a bridge as a preventative measure.

Starbuck and Boomer are doing well... Boomer is a total fat-fat though and squeals all the time. I wish Starbuck ate more, but I think he's okay. Just not a fat-fat.

I'm worried about what I will do with them while I am in Croatia in early May. :-/ If anyone wants to come "have a project" here for a week, let me know. My landlords were thankfully not upset by the kittens... I was 60% sure they would shrug and say "eh, well, we have a river right down the street."

Goals for this week: Read "The Snoring Bird" by Bernd Heinrich... make a batch of English muffins... educate the chilluns... don't kill anyone.

All right... here's a lil song I wrote today for Patches the Cat:

Pour a Beer Out for Apollo.

UPDATE AT THE END
I can't really even attempt to be funny about this... I'm pretty upset I guess. I slept in the living room last night with the family in case Patches needed help or anything and around 2 or 3 I heard the kittens squealing so I got up and found Patches sitting by the heater. She looked pretty.... out of it, I guess? "Listless" is what they say online.

But what was weird was that I noticed she would tense up and have a contraction. She'd had the babies 20 hours earlier, so I thought that was odd. Anyway, I put her back with the babies and checked on her again this morning. She was still having the contractions and when I picked her up I figured out why: there were baby feet dangling out.

She had a dead kitten stuck in her birth canal and couldn't pass it. His little legs were hanging out, but I didn't to try and 'help' for fear of hurting her more. She was in pain and this had been going on for long enough that Gordana gave me the number of a vet in Skopje who called the mystery vet in Vinica.

Long, awful story short, I had to hold Patches down while the vet pulled the little guy out. Patches was stressed to the max and so it wasn't easy, and both of the legs came off. Vet had to go digging to eventually pull out the entire baby kitten (he was black and white) along with the afterbirth.

So anyway. I'm really, really grateful for Gordana's help along with the two vets... God knows I couldn't have done that alone. I appreciate all of you LURKERS out there who have been my kitty 911s and helped me. Patches is doing good now... I was worried yesterday because she wasn't eating or drinking much. She darted the EFF away under the couch after the vet was done with her, but I just put her food and water under there with her and she's put away 100g of wet food, an egg yolk and is working on a plate of dry food. And she's meowing to the babies.

Hopefully this is the last trauma in the Ray-Patches household for a while... but thanks to everyone who has wished us well or helped us when we needed it.

UPDATE Patches is doing really well now, as are Starbuck and Boomer. She spent about 1/2 an hour under the couch cleaning herself, and she ate quite a bit when I put her food down there. She started meowing back to the kittens, which she hadn't been doing before.

I left her alone, but soon enough she finished eating and hopped back into the box where she's been since I updated last. She moved the kittens last night to the box my fan came in (it's tall and skinny and in the corner-- she feels safer there), and the box is just big enough for her to lay down on her side with the babies snuggled up against her belly. She's a milk producing machine, and both babies have been eating happily and sleeping.

As my mom said this morning: "Nature is very strong." Yes it is-- whew! I know this was a downer post, but once Starbuck and Boomer get to growing, look forward to lots of videos!

The Ray-Patches family would like to present.....

STARBUCK AND BOOMER!!!!!

Well, MY Starbuck and Boomer are tiny kittens. Patches was textbook I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant and spent her morning freaking out, prancing around, spraying blood out her backside and plopping out the occasional squirming creature. The best wake up call there is!!!!

But it was not all fun and games. Starbuck and Boomer's brother, Helo, wasn't ready for this big bad world and died on my floor.... that was pretty tough for me and I still feel sad about it.

Anyway, here's a video detailing the early morning excitement in the Mose Pijade alley-- look forward to lots of family pics this weekend!!

Here are some pictures for now:

Fail.

You all SUCKED at that game. Maybe you will be better at this one.

No kittens yet. So we're going to start a betting pool: what day do you think the kittens will be be born? Winner gets one plate of hand made cookies and 62 denars in coins!

Losing Patience

The Lord once said patience is a virtue. I agree with the Lord. That said, I am getting angry at Patches for not having these effing kittens. Perhaps she knows of my plans to make them into STARS!!!

On a related note, my grandmother recently told me panthers live in the United States. Who knew!!! Now you know... don't assume you're safe from panthers. They could be anywhere. Right behind you.

Okay let's play an interactive game because I know so many of you PCVs are out there lurking. This is a game I play with myself called: Irrational Fears. Leave your answer in the comment section:

Scenario: You are in an airplane traveling at approximately 25K feet over the northern Atlantic Ocean. The plane hits turbulence and breaks apart! You survive the breakup of the plane and are now free-falling 25K feet to the ocean.

QUESTION ONE: What do you do?
Follow up Scenario: Good job, you survived the plummet. NOW. What do you do if you fall 25K feet from an airplane into the ocean and DIRECTLY INTO THE MOUTH of a sperm whale? What is your strategy?

Personally, I'm confident in my chances in these scenarios. I have extensive notes. What would YOU do? GO.

Questions and Answers with Patches

A lot of people have been writing in and asking about how Patches is holding up. Every day is a struggle, that is for sure, but she is displaying the strength of a lioness during these trying times.

Today on PatchesWatch, I ask Patches the questions everyone is dying to know. This is part one of this highly anticipated series, so stay tuned for the next episode when Patches will talk about her favorite Kibbles flavor, her plans to sabotage Dushko's relationship with another alleycat woman, and her beauty tips for keeping your calico coat shimmering in those hot summer months.

Also, I know this episode ends with me abruptly saying "Oh my GOD!" and the reason for that is not because I found a bug or snake in my house, it was because Patches had shed about 1/4 of her body weight onto my black sweat pants in the time our interview took.

And Now For Something Completely Different (But Equally Pathetic)

I am blogging about this only because I want it to be documented somewhere so future generations can behold how absolutely little it took in this period of my life to delight me.

Every morning (and most afternoons), I make a pot of tea. Not a teapot of tea, but an actual pot of tea because I don't have a teapot. My method has evolved over the past year and a half, but several months ago I realized I preferred to mix my sugar into the pot of tea as a whole rather than each individual cup. I KNOW!!!!!111!!!1 KRaaAAAzzzzZZZyyyYY timeeezzzz!!!

The problem with this approach is multi-fold. But the biggest fold is that sugar here comes in plastic bags the width of absolutely nothing. For my birthday, my dad sent me several ziplock bags (....example #1 of how very little it takes to delight me), so I have-- since July-- been putting the sugar from the thin plastic bags into the thicker and sturdier ziplock bags.

But, inevitably, disaster strikes and I burn a hole into the ziplock back and my sugar explodes all over the kitchen. Which delights no one but the ants.

TODAY THOUGH, change was in the air!!!!

After burning a hole in my bag, I had had enough. But what else can I put my sugar in!? Then it hit me. A JAR! You might be thinking "duh" and, to you, I say: "shut up." To me this was a glorious revelation. I dumped my sugar into a little glass jar and twisted the cap on.

I'm so sad to announce that words cannot describe how giddy I was ten minutes ago making my tea and spooning sugar out of a JAR and not a BAG. I can't wait until tomorrow morning to do it again!!!!

Alright, it's time to go watch the spider families in the bathroom build their webs.

PatchesWatch: Kibbles and Cuddles

I'm beginning to think Patches is intentionally not having her babies just to make me mad. I want the kittens! Not to mention, Patches, you're putting a cramp in my Croatia plans. Pop 'em out already, God.

As I await kittens today, I will be making gnocchi from scratch and leveling my night elf druid in the Howling Fjord.

A Nest for Patches

PatchesWatch 2010 is officially in its final days.

The kittens are a-kickin', Patches is a-gobbling up all my effing food, Sara is a-nnoyed at the incessant meowing. I put together a little nest for Patches and have been showing her where it is in hopes that she will shoot out her babies THERE and not in bed with me while I'm sleeping (she'd do it, too!!!!)

There have been some concerns about the involvement of Patches's baby-daddy. I'm sorry to say that the cat-- whose name is, hilariously, Dushko and lives next door to Patches's babysitter-- doesn't seem interested in providing emotional or financial support. Also he's kind of fugly. I've made it clear to Patches that, while I can't support her decision to be so flippantly promiscuous, I'll always love her and will always be there for her and the kitten babies.

They're Kicking!!!

So this is my first experience with pregnancy since myself being a fetus. It's kind of cool!! Last night my mom asked me if I could feel the kittens moving so when me and Patches went to bed I kept a hand on her belly to see if I could feel anything. And I did!!! I felt little kitten feet kicking! She's not too big, and I'm estimating Patches has a kitten capacity of 3-4. I've felt kicking in 3 different spots, but she could be packing more in there.

It's neat though! Anyway, she is napping by the heater and I just sat by her for a while and felt the little babies kick. Her pregnancy nest is set up in my closet and we'll go for a tour later today when I get back from teaching the yoot.

I think she'll be poppin' these buggers out this week. I asked her babysitter yesterday what week Patches had "been with man" (NO IDEA how to actually ask that in this language, so we did what we could) and she said the 2nd week of February.

Again: WHO WANTS A KITTEN?!!? These kittens will be predisposed to bouts of snuggling.

It's a Dark Day

I've been out of town for a few days so Patches has been staying with her babysitter. When I went to pick her up yesterday, I was given some disturbing news.

She got babies stewin in her belly.

We are putting together a small series called "Six Months and Pregnant."